The waiting game

I am sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by rotting fruit with the loud ticking noise of the clock in the background. I have been working on my information systems homework a total of ten minutes and I am already lured into spilling my guts online. Things have been a blur since Thursday, I feel fundamentally different but life is still the same game. For the first time in a while I seem more at ease with myself and less worried about what everyone else thinks. I am still figuring out a lot of stuff like where I am heading and who I want to be. There are a lot of growing pains in store but I am excited that I am on a new track. Every day I am trying to be a little more real with the people around me and myself. I realize most of this is rather vague but I spare the specifics on my thoughts because I do not feel comfortable posting it all on the internet. Only the general ideas not the specifics. Thats all I got.

Withdrawal, a step in the right direction

Trial and error sucks. Can I just say that? Taking a class to see if you like the subject can just suck sometimes. I realized last night information systems is not the path for me I realized I completely hated computer programming and I realized I have no idea what I am doing. A lot to realize in one night? Actually it has been over the course of many nights, nights where I spend hours wondering what I am going to end up doing, how am I going to provide, will I be happy. Extremely selfish questions I know, unfortunately I have been stuck on myself for the most part of this semester.

Solution: Withdraw, you know that little word next to all of your classes? It tempts you every time you feel overwhelmed? Well I am going to succumb, after talking with my parents, friends, and God I decided to throw in the towel. Although it sounds like the easy way out it feels ridiculously hard. Only hard because I care way too much about what other people think. I know its the right decision for me but everyone around me may feel differently. Luckily I have some kick trash parents who just want me to succeed. I see people much differently after this little stint in my life.

The next phase: I decided that the ridiculous amounts of time I spent on my computer projects will now be spent on finding out what the heck I am doing with my life. Do a little soul searching. I have never felt so disoriented in my life, but I know my friends and family care so it will all work out. Before now the name of my blog has not meant very much but I think the next few months will be filled with anonymous confessions.

After extended period, periodicals

Never mind stats reading when you can word vomit for a couple of minutes. I am sitting in the periodicals listening to Justin Bieber trying to figure out if there is a better way. A better way to do what? you may ask. That might be my overarching problem, I have no idea. A better way to network outside of forming clubs with mini Machiavelli's? A better way to program outside of sitting in a lab hours upon hours asking for help every five minutes? A better way to spend your time outside of listening to crappy pop songs spitting out random thoughts?
I think I started this post to complain about how hard and frustrating things can be. Thinking about the " better way" for me is thinking about the easier way. The way that does not require me to get out of my comfort zone and work very hard. Is it bad to admit that? I am naturally lazy and like my comfort zone? It may be bad to embrace that and feed it, but I don't think it is bad to recognize. I get scared sometimes admitting to myself and the world that I am not perfect. It is a problem I have always had, I do not like people to see that side of me or even have reason to believe it exists. Its something to laugh about I know, in my mind I am doing a great job at keeping my image nice and tidy. Sometimes I forget people see a lot more than I expect. I am almost positive the people close to me know every single one of my shortcomings. In spite of this they still stick around.
So I do not understand why I make such a big fuss about it. I have flaws, I do, say, think, stupid things. Me and the rest of the world, but why am I so worried about people seeing that? I guess we are kind of conditioned to publish all the great things about ourselves and either pretend the flaws do not exist or deal with them very privately. No one sits down at a job interview and lists their strengths and their ACTUAL weaknesses. They list strengths and more strengths. It makes sense but is that healthy? Can you honestly self evaluate when you tell the whole world you do not have a reason to?
I get super stressed when people have only heard my strengths. I feel immense pressure to preserve that image in their minds because I don't know what will happen when they find out sometimes I blow off homework to rant and listen to crappy pop songs. Overall I just need to trust people more.
What am I saying? I am not saying every time anyone meets a new person to tell them their greatest strengths and greatest weaknesses. Honestly, I cant say what I am saying but I think it boils down to being your real self, not a walking application. This is not meant to be preachy, in fact this entire post is for myself. I am just trying to figure out how to be real and be okay with that. Slowly but surely, slowly but surely.

Procrastination

So I am supposed to be writing like eleven papers but instead I am writing on my blog because I really do not want to write papers. The problem is I have nothing to blog about. Except the fact that every time I see twins on campus walking next to each other I am always captivated. It takes my brain about 10 seconds to comprehend their twin-ness, in the mean time I am sure the twins are thinking "who the heck does this guy think he is looking at us". All in all there are more twins that walk together on campus than I expected.

Be nice

One of the biggest things I have a problem with is when people try and put themselves above others. It happens so many different ways, gossip, sports, school it seems like some people will use anything they can to make sure they are above the next person. It is so sad/ annoying to hear people rag on people when they are not around to defend themselves. It seems like it is a result of a person feeling threatened. Example: "that girl in class thinks she is so smart because she answers all these questions and uses big words" I do this as well, when I feel threatened I fault find and it is horrible. So much more progress can be made if we just drop the pride and be friendly. I know this sounds like a Mr. Rogers episode but there needs to be some serious changes in myself and others as well. There is way too much energy spent on keeping our pride in tact and not enough in building up others. I will start my kindness campaign today!!!

Revelation

I have not posted in awhile, in case the world did not know the Olympics rock! Today I found out that the first girl that kissed me (yes that is right she kissed me not the other way around) is now a lesbian. Kind of strange. I guess that is life right? I did not think I was that bad of a kisser.....

Quantum Mechanics

We learned about Quantum Mechanics in science today and it blew my mind. I do not really understand it and we covered the very basics but it was still amazingly awesome and mind boggling. Yesterday we saw fantastic Mr. Fox and that almost boggled my mind as much as the quantum mechanics but it was a pretty good show. Afterward I bought everything I need to make some kick butt bread. I never made bread before so it should be an adventure. Its a three day weekend this week so tonight I am heading to a friends cabin which should turn out fun. This is not a very entertaining post my apologies. I don't know who I am apologizing to because no one reads this ha ha.

Emotionally messed up

Lately, and by lately I mean the past twenty four hours, I have been going through every single emotion on the spectrum. I do not like it at all, it reminds me of high school and I thought that was over. I was walking home from school thinking I was the biggest freak because of the intensity of my feelings. After thinking about it for a while I came to this conclusion: Many times I think I am the only one that feels a certain way (like crazy hyper intense emotions) then I talk to someone else and realize they have the same feelings. So chances are there is someone else out there that feels the same way I do right now which is comforting. I was wondering why I did not realize this sooner and came to the conclusion that we mask so much of what we feel. Well I can not speak for the general population but I know I do myself. If people could see what I felt just by looking at me I do not think I would have very many friends ha ha. It does help to know you are no the only one feeling a certain way though. It makes it seem livable. I do not think everyone should go around broad casting their deep thoughts and feelings but I do think it is important to recognize, especially if you think you are the only one that feels or thinks particular things, that there is most likely someone else out there in the same boat. This post is for myself, every time I see someone they are an emotionally put together individual that has everything going for them. I see myself as a train crash just getting by. I think everyone has a train crash aspect about them we just mask it well. These are my thoughts

I love School

School is so good I have learned so much in college, Humanities taught me to look at everything a little deeper, Social problems opened my eyes to how the social structure benefits some people and destroys others, Poli Sci has solidified the importance of being politically active, physical science has taught me why things do what they do and religion keeps me grounded. Today in Poli Sci we were learning about public opinion there were a few things that stuck out to me. The first concerned surveys and how people who do surveys can phrase the question to get a certain response then use that info to support their cause. I guess I never really thought about that which is rather naive of me. People will do anything to further their cause. The second issue we talked about that impacted me was voter turnout. The people who vote are generally well educated, rich , white collar, older people. Those who do not are less educated, poor, labor blue collar and young people. I asked about college kids and my professor said they are less likely because they are young and many college students live away from home so they do not feel an attachment to where they are. This troubled me, all of it. The fact that we only get around 55 percent voter turnout for national elections and way less for local elections is ridiculous. So I want to do something about it, I have a few ideas that hopefully can help. I am going to start out focusing on college students then branch out. I hope I can make some kind of impact.

Today

So today was such a great amazing day for so many reasons. Number one, I am getting over my cold so I feel a million times better. Colds are no good but it seems like every time I get one I appreciate my health so much more and I feel so much better when I am over it. I think its good to have stuff taken away for a little to realize how nice it is to have it like your health! Number two, because of modern technology I can listen to music to and from school and on campus, normally its not that great but today I had a mad craving for music and it was satisfied. Number three, it was warm today! coming home from school was almost a spiritual experience because it felt so nice outside. Normally I want to be home fast but I could have walked forever it was so nice. The mountains look amazing every walk home. Number four, I have stuff to look forward to today people to see and things to do it is so nice looking forward to things instead of dreading papers tests etc. Life is good really good, I know I am not grateful enough I need to work on it I also need to work on making other peoples life great.

Weekend etc.

Too many awesome things this weekend to make a list, I am just going to go off of memory. Friday = awesome, worked the gymnastics meet with buddies plus pizza at the end. Afterward hit up dance/ birthday party. Made a complete fool of myself on the dance floor and loved every minute of it. Met some awesome people. Saturday: slept in, studied hard, Jamba Juice, last minute date to bonfire. Date was awesome talked all night, gave me hope for dating. Sunday: church was bueno heard everything I needed to hear plus some hilarious stuff "Can I make a quick diagram? Onetime i saw a woman die right in front of me." WHAT!????? "Time flies when your having fun, fun flies when you're doing time, Fruit flies fly over bananas" game night, dinner with friends, bourne ultimatum, timer tumble and intense catch phrase. Man it was a good weekend.

Happiness

Things that made me happy/ laugh today

1. Aced social problems test
2. Mountains on way home
3. lunch with roommate
4. feeling of total relaxation/ambivalence due to cold
5. Social teacher knows my name
6. PDA
7. ITS FRIDAY!

Campus life

Things that have made me laugh/happy on campus this week.

1. Man in building announces to group "I am treating myself to subway this week" later man calls wife and asks if he can buy subway.
2. Man in library declares over his phone "I will be ascending the elevator soon"
3. Basement of building smelled like wet paint. I love the smell of paint
4. Listening to Miley Cyrus Party In The USA while walking across campus
5. Seeing people I kind of know, making eye contact, then completely ignoring them
6. constant flow of PDA
7. Trying to move out of girls way, girl attempts the same, move other way, girl does the same "sorry!"
8. Getting lost in a building then taking a drink to try and cover up how stupid I look
9. Friend in passing says "Hi!" I respond "whats up!" continue walking. I should just say hi.
10. Poli Sci "what would you do instead of affirmative action to help minorities?" Answer: Inter-racial campfires every month, tax break for those who come. Fosters unity.