About an hour ago I finished my 90 long question stats test. From the time I sat I was counting down the number of questions I had left, it was possibly the most boring thing I have ever done. The point is I am done and I now have a job interview in an hour or so. These both represent some significant changes in my life, the end of school and the beginning of work. Not that earth shattering I know but it has inspired some thought. I guess that is not the whole story, I was stalking / reading my friends love interests blog. They are both in Jerusalem and she was writing her wrap up or at least the beginning portion of it. I always get two feelings when I read posts like those. The first is a feeling of respect for that person for all the growth they have achieved and the fact they are willing to recognize it and write it out. The second is severe jealousy, we have already established I am a fallen man right? Its not like I want to be jealous and I am certainly trying to fix it but as of right now that is how I am.
I have not found out how to deal with people having amazing life changing experiences abroad while I am at school. I am always way happy for them, but there is always that little envious voice in the back of my head whispering "you wish that was you so you could tell everyone about your awesome experiences". There are two lessons I really need to learn before I have any abroad life changing moments. The first is that life changing moments happen everywhere and the second is overcoming the temptation to hold those experiences over other people.
The second is one I am just going to have to take up with God and myself however I feel like I learn the first lesson at least every six months it just does not stick all that well. So after repressing my lame jealousy feelings I began to realize how much has happened this past semester. So here goes the wrap up for the semester.
For some unexplained reason in the first week of the semester I changed my major from accounting to information systems, dropping accounting 310 and picking up cs142. I heard a former secretary of state speak to a filled Marriott center. I was present for one of the biggest regular season BYU basketball games, watching BYU dominate SDSU. I played massive amounts of Mario Kart with my roommates and have absolutely no regrets about it. I held my first poetry night and threw down another karaoke night. I met an amazing girl and for the first time in my life had a healthy normal relationship. I helped with a successful student government campaign for president. I helped with an unsuccessful student government campaign for president. I saw my roommates go through ups and downs including multiple engagements, and rejections. I tutored an elementary school student and caught a glimpse of my youth. I had mid semester crisis, questioning my life, motives, and overall direction. I withdrew from my first class, changed my major and was humbled to the dust. I rediscovered what makes me happy in life and decided to follow it. I went to the best CGI owl movie and ate 25 chicken nuggets while watching it. For a brief period I determined that life was meaningless and everything we consider life is really a distraction from the reality that life is meaningless. I realized that I was naive and life had meaning. I was taught by a genuine disciple of Christ. I broke off the first normal healthy relationship in my life in a normal healthy way. I learned for the one millionth time not to judge people. Most importantly I grew closer to my friends, family and God. I would not trade this semester for anything, yes it was full of cold weather, rainy days, boring old Provo , and tedious school work. However, it was my cold weather, rainy days, boring Provo, and school work. In my opinion it has made me into what I am now. In the end it does not matter where you have been it all comes down to who you become.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The therapy of written word
I would like to anonymously confess that life sucks. I do not really believe that I just thought it was a good opening line. As usual I am sitting in the periodicals avoiding homework, it seems that is when I am the most ambitious blogger. Today I am listening to the indie radio station on Grooveshark instead of Bieber which may give me more legitimacy among the under grounders out there.
I do not know why I write as if I have a huge following, I don't think anyone outside of my family and a few friends have read this. I have never thrown up the link of Facebook or anything. I have a strange relationship with this blog. Sometimes I write pretty personal thoughts that I do not really know if I want people reading but it is completely ultimately fantastically public. Its an ongoing battle between wanting privacy and wanting to be heard. The sad reality is people do not want to hear me. People really do not care. I do not think this strictly applies to me, I think everyone wants to be heard and not many people hear. Not on a shallow level, on every kind of level. Think of the millions of blogs, Facebook posts, text messages, phone calls, and tweets, it is everyone pleading to be heard. Some are more subtle than others but its all the same plea. "Please listen to me and please hear me".
Are we being heard? Are we hearing? I do not know, I know I could do a better job of hearing. Not just listening but poking and prodding until I can see a little soul. There are so many surface level conversations and questions that I am sure leave people even more desperate to be heard. I know I have felt that way, I feel people actually know me less by asking me my major and hometown. To what end is all of this? For me it is to be a hearer, people will hear me when they hear me but in the meantime I want to hear. I don't want to know a major I want to know a severe crippling passion. I don't want to know a hometown I want to know beliefs and experiences. I want people to be heard and I want to hear.
I do not know why I write as if I have a huge following, I don't think anyone outside of my family and a few friends have read this. I have never thrown up the link of Facebook or anything. I have a strange relationship with this blog. Sometimes I write pretty personal thoughts that I do not really know if I want people reading but it is completely ultimately fantastically public. Its an ongoing battle between wanting privacy and wanting to be heard. The sad reality is people do not want to hear me. People really do not care. I do not think this strictly applies to me, I think everyone wants to be heard and not many people hear. Not on a shallow level, on every kind of level. Think of the millions of blogs, Facebook posts, text messages, phone calls, and tweets, it is everyone pleading to be heard. Some are more subtle than others but its all the same plea. "Please listen to me and please hear me".
Are we being heard? Are we hearing? I do not know, I know I could do a better job of hearing. Not just listening but poking and prodding until I can see a little soul. There are so many surface level conversations and questions that I am sure leave people even more desperate to be heard. I know I have felt that way, I feel people actually know me less by asking me my major and hometown. To what end is all of this? For me it is to be a hearer, people will hear me when they hear me but in the meantime I want to hear. I don't want to know a major I want to know a severe crippling passion. I don't want to know a hometown I want to know beliefs and experiences. I want people to be heard and I want to hear.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Progress report
These are my two opinion letters written to the school newspaper http://universe.byu.edu/node/14749, http://universe.byu.edu/node/14409
Both were responses to letters written about BYUSA, I am not quite sure when I became the literary white knight for BYUSA but its happened. I think I wrote more out of frustration of the opinions than my love for BYUSA. Honestly I have no connection to the organization but I am aware people give it a hard time. I figured they could use a little help from someone on the outside.
So its been awhile since my last post I figure an update was necessary. My life has been significantly better post reformation. Its nice trusting that things will work and not focusing so much on money. I did not really understand how much it drove me until I took a long hard look at myself. Kind of makes me wonder what other buried issues I have. Time to find them? I think so.
My honest intent on blogging today was not to give a progress report, it was to vent about this article in the New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/15/us/politics/15utah.html?_r=1&ref=us. It really frustrates me when people lie on either extreme, it really frustrates me that so many people are not extreme but because they do not vote we end up letting extreme people get all the control. I do not like the fact that the person with the loudest voice is heard above the voice of many. I know, know, know, know, know there are many moderate people in Utah but it seems like they never make their voice heard. I just discovered my real frustration is at myself, I have not learned enough or made enough of an effort to make my voice heard. Looks like I have a new project. I will come up with a plan and report later.
PEACE
Both were responses to letters written about BYUSA, I am not quite sure when I became the literary white knight for BYUSA but its happened. I think I wrote more out of frustration of the opinions than my love for BYUSA. Honestly I have no connection to the organization but I am aware people give it a hard time. I figured they could use a little help from someone on the outside.
So its been awhile since my last post I figure an update was necessary. My life has been significantly better post reformation. Its nice trusting that things will work and not focusing so much on money. I did not really understand how much it drove me until I took a long hard look at myself. Kind of makes me wonder what other buried issues I have. Time to find them? I think so.
My honest intent on blogging today was not to give a progress report, it was to vent about this article in the New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/15/us/politics/15utah.html?_r=1&ref=us. It really frustrates me when people lie on either extreme, it really frustrates me that so many people are not extreme but because they do not vote we end up letting extreme people get all the control. I do not like the fact that the person with the loudest voice is heard above the voice of many. I know, know, know, know, know there are many moderate people in Utah but it seems like they never make their voice heard. I just discovered my real frustration is at myself, I have not learned enough or made enough of an effort to make my voice heard. Looks like I have a new project. I will come up with a plan and report later.
PEACE
Monday, February 28, 2011
The waiting game
I am sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by rotting fruit with the loud ticking noise of the clock in the background. I have been working on my information systems homework a total of ten minutes and I am already lured into spilling my guts online. Things have been a blur since Thursday, I feel fundamentally different but life is still the same game. For the first time in a while I seem more at ease with myself and less worried about what everyone else thinks. I am still figuring out a lot of stuff like where I am heading and who I want to be. There are a lot of growing pains in store but I am excited that I am on a new track. Every day I am trying to be a little more real with the people around me and myself. I realize most of this is rather vague but I spare the specifics on my thoughts because I do not feel comfortable posting it all on the internet. Only the general ideas not the specifics. Thats all I got.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Withdrawal, a step in the right direction
Trial and error sucks. Can I just say that? Taking a class to see if you like the subject can just suck sometimes. I realized last night information systems is not the path for me I realized I completely hated computer programming and I realized I have no idea what I am doing. A lot to realize in one night? Actually it has been over the course of many nights, nights where I spend hours wondering what I am going to end up doing, how am I going to provide, will I be happy. Extremely selfish questions I know, unfortunately I have been stuck on myself for the most part of this semester.
Solution: Withdraw, you know that little word next to all of your classes? It tempts you every time you feel overwhelmed? Well I am going to succumb, after talking with my parents, friends, and God I decided to throw in the towel. Although it sounds like the easy way out it feels ridiculously hard. Only hard because I care way too much about what other people think. I know its the right decision for me but everyone around me may feel differently. Luckily I have some kick trash parents who just want me to succeed. I see people much differently after this little stint in my life.
The next phase: I decided that the ridiculous amounts of time I spent on my computer projects will now be spent on finding out what the heck I am doing with my life. Do a little soul searching. I have never felt so disoriented in my life, but I know my friends and family care so it will all work out. Before now the name of my blog has not meant very much but I think the next few months will be filled with anonymous confessions.
Solution: Withdraw, you know that little word next to all of your classes? It tempts you every time you feel overwhelmed? Well I am going to succumb, after talking with my parents, friends, and God I decided to throw in the towel. Although it sounds like the easy way out it feels ridiculously hard. Only hard because I care way too much about what other people think. I know its the right decision for me but everyone around me may feel differently. Luckily I have some kick trash parents who just want me to succeed. I see people much differently after this little stint in my life.
The next phase: I decided that the ridiculous amounts of time I spent on my computer projects will now be spent on finding out what the heck I am doing with my life. Do a little soul searching. I have never felt so disoriented in my life, but I know my friends and family care so it will all work out. Before now the name of my blog has not meant very much but I think the next few months will be filled with anonymous confessions.
Friday, February 18, 2011
After extended period, periodicals
Never mind stats reading when you can word vomit for a couple of minutes. I am sitting in the periodicals listening to Justin Bieber trying to figure out if there is a better way. A better way to do what? you may ask. That might be my overarching problem, I have no idea. A better way to network outside of forming clubs with mini Machiavelli's? A better way to program outside of sitting in a lab hours upon hours asking for help every five minutes? A better way to spend your time outside of listening to crappy pop songs spitting out random thoughts?
I think I started this post to complain about how hard and frustrating things can be. Thinking about the " better way" for me is thinking about the easier way. The way that does not require me to get out of my comfort zone and work very hard. Is it bad to admit that? I am naturally lazy and like my comfort zone? It may be bad to embrace that and feed it, but I don't think it is bad to recognize. I get scared sometimes admitting to myself and the world that I am not perfect. It is a problem I have always had, I do not like people to see that side of me or even have reason to believe it exists. Its something to laugh about I know, in my mind I am doing a great job at keeping my image nice and tidy. Sometimes I forget people see a lot more than I expect. I am almost positive the people close to me know every single one of my shortcomings. In spite of this they still stick around.
So I do not understand why I make such a big fuss about it. I have flaws, I do, say, think, stupid things. Me and the rest of the world, but why am I so worried about people seeing that? I guess we are kind of conditioned to publish all the great things about ourselves and either pretend the flaws do not exist or deal with them very privately. No one sits down at a job interview and lists their strengths and their ACTUAL weaknesses. They list strengths and more strengths. It makes sense but is that healthy? Can you honestly self evaluate when you tell the whole world you do not have a reason to?
I get super stressed when people have only heard my strengths. I feel immense pressure to preserve that image in their minds because I don't know what will happen when they find out sometimes I blow off homework to rant and listen to crappy pop songs. Overall I just need to trust people more.
What am I saying? I am not saying every time anyone meets a new person to tell them their greatest strengths and greatest weaknesses. Honestly, I cant say what I am saying but I think it boils down to being your real self, not a walking application. This is not meant to be preachy, in fact this entire post is for myself. I am just trying to figure out how to be real and be okay with that. Slowly but surely, slowly but surely.
I think I started this post to complain about how hard and frustrating things can be. Thinking about the " better way" for me is thinking about the easier way. The way that does not require me to get out of my comfort zone and work very hard. Is it bad to admit that? I am naturally lazy and like my comfort zone? It may be bad to embrace that and feed it, but I don't think it is bad to recognize. I get scared sometimes admitting to myself and the world that I am not perfect. It is a problem I have always had, I do not like people to see that side of me or even have reason to believe it exists. Its something to laugh about I know, in my mind I am doing a great job at keeping my image nice and tidy. Sometimes I forget people see a lot more than I expect. I am almost positive the people close to me know every single one of my shortcomings. In spite of this they still stick around.
So I do not understand why I make such a big fuss about it. I have flaws, I do, say, think, stupid things. Me and the rest of the world, but why am I so worried about people seeing that? I guess we are kind of conditioned to publish all the great things about ourselves and either pretend the flaws do not exist or deal with them very privately. No one sits down at a job interview and lists their strengths and their ACTUAL weaknesses. They list strengths and more strengths. It makes sense but is that healthy? Can you honestly self evaluate when you tell the whole world you do not have a reason to?
I get super stressed when people have only heard my strengths. I feel immense pressure to preserve that image in their minds because I don't know what will happen when they find out sometimes I blow off homework to rant and listen to crappy pop songs. Overall I just need to trust people more.
What am I saying? I am not saying every time anyone meets a new person to tell them their greatest strengths and greatest weaknesses. Honestly, I cant say what I am saying but I think it boils down to being your real self, not a walking application. This is not meant to be preachy, in fact this entire post is for myself. I am just trying to figure out how to be real and be okay with that. Slowly but surely, slowly but surely.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Procrastination
So I am supposed to be writing like eleven papers but instead I am writing on my blog because I really do not want to write papers. The problem is I have nothing to blog about. Except the fact that every time I see twins on campus walking next to each other I am always captivated. It takes my brain about 10 seconds to comprehend their twin-ness, in the mean time I am sure the twins are thinking "who the heck does this guy think he is looking at us". All in all there are more twins that walk together on campus than I expected.
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